HITLER THROWS HELMET IN RING AS REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT. “VY ACCEPT EINE PALE — EEFEN ORANGE — IMITATION?
CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Yesterday, in Charlotte North Carolina, Der Fuhrer Adolf Hitler stood beaming before a packed rally of adoring followers all screaming Heil Hitler. And most of them were armed with sidearms and/or assault weapons and wearing camouflage — as if in a war. Many of them were sporting swastika armbands, and many others were waving confederate and Nazi flags. As his Reich Minister of Propaganda Josef Goebbels stood at his side, Hitler announced today that he would be entering the Republican Presidential Primaries. Herr Goebbels was later quoted as saying; “Ve are haffink globally ein moment, und ezpecially here. Vas mit der economic zituation exacerbated by die selfish ignoring of die seriousness of ziz coronavirus by zis pandering schmuck Herr Donaldt Drumpf, who in der middle uff der pandemic vent schlafen und chust vatched Fox TV und tveeted nonsense to his base uff morons, ve feel it ist der perfect sturm — und der drang alzo — to chump in hobnail boots first.”
Herr Hitler himself, interviewed after the rally at his aerie in Berghtesgaden said; “It ist eine shlam dunkel, considerink Ich can outmean zis Donaldt Drumpf putz any day in die woche…nein, forget die week — in die year! Vas hass he killed — 18,000 facts? 90,000 virus victims? Ha! Ich killed deadt more people zen zat in ein Montag. Und mein boy Josef put out more lies in ein Dienstag zan Herr Drumpf effer did in alles years von diese phony Republikanischer rallies.” Remember, mein Joeyla said: “If you tell ein lie big enough und keep repeatink it, people believink it vill eventually be. Zis lyink sing is die einer sing zis Drumpf idiot does gut. Oh, und killink alzo deadt die Chew media.”
Hitler, appearing tan, fit, and rested, owing to his 75 year absence from the world stage went on; “Zis clown Drumpf ist die best liar in die Republikanischer party? Gib mir eine break. Ziss ist eine choke, ja? Aber laffink I’m not doink! Goebbels here could make bullshitten und propaganda zo far better zen zis rank amateur Drumpf — on any farshtinkener debate or rally stage on any nacht anywhere in der welt. Und alzo zen any of zese female impersonators like zis Ann Coulter, und zis fat Lindsey Graham girl. Und zis poseur, zis Limbaugh freak — who I sink looks even vorse in his dresses zen fat Hermann Goering does — if believink it you can be. Und zis eunuch McConnell, whose muzzer had to have come from a pond, is anozzer poseur. Vat zey are alles dishink up ist rotting schweinefleisch by comparison to die real Nazis. Alles amateur bullshitters! Not ein professionalischer amonk zem! Anyvay, meine main man Joeyla makes all zere dummkopf lies look like ein pile of schweinesscheiße. Vell, exzept for maybe zree of zem. Wilhelm Barr ist ein. Ich sink Barr vould haff made an outshtandink Gestapo offizier. Ein toadie like zis vould be villink to zell hiss vifes zoul for ein hamburger. Und alzo zis uzzer bootlicker Pompeo, who vould lutsch meinen Schwanz. Und, uff course, ahhh, der sohn Ich never had; meine schveet Stephen Miller. Zis dear boychik is eine perfekt Nazi. Ich am laffink zat Goebbels had 23 und Mir zee if zay are related. Aber, personally Ich sinks Miller’s eyes are eefen more deadt.
Alzo, in 2016 Ich zaw on das Fox TV after ein zo-called debate zis vacko Sean Hannity, posink as eine chournalist, askink zis Herr Carson coma victim how he vould advice Drumpf on handlink alles of die qvestions about Herr Drumpf’s lies, und, after he came to, ziss Carson actually said; “Ve can control that…I vouldt zimply zay; look people, go chump in das lake.” Aber, Ich gotta tell you, Ich chumped up und down mitt choy at zat answer. Zis Carson ist another vun Goebbels vould luff — eefen if he ist ein schwartzer he ist still vun of us. Und funny it ist zat zey mostly all shprechen like real tough guys, vich makes me alzo to laffink, because most of zem are snivelink cowards havink veaseled zere vay out of military duty. Yet zey are alles zo ready to zend alles of everyvone elze’s kinde into battle.” Here, he paused…deep in thought. Then; “Vitch…Ya know…Vitch Ich gotta grudgingly admit, und as ein good Nazi, Ich alzo gotta adtmire. Okay, zo zis sprechen real loud ist zumsink else die Republikanischers are doink right.
Alzo, zis Republikanischer crowd vants to kill deadt Obamacare? Ja? Vy? Vy eefen bozzer? Ich am again shprechen; VY EEFEN BOZZER? Und to kill deadt Zocial Zecurity? Vy? If zay veren’t all eunuchs zay vould do vot Ich vill: CHUST KILL PEOPLE DEADT! I vill march everyvone ofer 65 straight into die ovens — Poof! Zer ist nein need fir die Chew Zocial anysing. Und Ich vas blaming die immikrant Chews und der Chew media fur alles long before zese patzers blamed der immikrants. ZO, ICH AM DER REAL REPUBLIKANISCHER!”
Mr. Hitler than startled all of us in the assembled press by suddenly leaping to his feet: “Let’s chust cut to der chase here! Ja? IF YOU ARE NOT VITE, YOU ARE NOT RIGHT! YOU ARE OUTTA SIGHT! Zese puny Republikanischers are chust dancing around vat zey really vant — und vat zey haff every right to haff! Eine gute alte faszhioned Third Reich kindt of pure all-vite Aryan Nation! BECAUSE, (and here, with every word, he pounded his fist into his palm) MIGHT. MAKES. RIGHT! UND. DER. FAR. RIGHT. MAKES. EEFEN. MORE. MIGHT!!!
UND CONCERNINK VAT ZESE IDIOTEN REPUBLIKANISCHERS ARE TRYINK TO DO; DIE ONLY SINK ICH COMPLETELY AGREE MIT DRUMPF UND DIE REPUBLIKANISCHER PARTY IST… (again, with every word he pounded his fist into his palm) ICH. VILL. DESTROY. DER. CHEW. MEDIA!!!
ZIS IST MEINE JOEYLA’S MAIN ACHENDA. UND HE IST RIGHT! VE DO NOT NEEDT MEDDLERS LIKE DER CHEW MEDIA SHNOOPINK INTO OUR PLANSS TO DEREGULATE VALL STREET, UND TO GET RID OF ALLES DES REGULATORY AGENCIES LIKE DER SHTUPID FOOD SAFETY! DER MEDDLINK ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY, UND DIE CHEWISH ZOCIAL PROGRAMS LIKE FOOD SCHTAMPS! UND DER FARSHTINKENER CONZUMER PROTECTIONS UND ET CETERA! UND ET CETERA! TO VUNCE UND FUR ALLES KILL DEADT DIE SCHWARTZER OBAMACARE! UND TO NEFFER RAISE DIE MINIMUM VAGE, UND TO LOWER ALVAYS ALLES TAXES ON DIE CORPORATZIONS UND DIE VEALTHY! REMEMPER ZEY, UND DIE IGNORANT PUBLIC, KEEP US FASCISTS IN POWER! UND MOST IMPORTANTLY, VE MUST BUILD UP DIE PENTAGON BUDGET MIT DIE TAXES VE GETT FROM DIE IDIOTEN VILE VE KILL DEADT DIE CHEW ZOCIAL ZECURITY UND FOOD SHTAMPS BECAUSE VE NEED ZISS MONEY FUR TO LIFF LARGE UND MAKE VAR! ZIS IST HOW EINE REAL REPUBLIKANISCHER MIT BALLS ACTS! HERR DRUMPF IST EIN FALSCHER NAZI! ICH MAY ONLY HAFF EIN BALL ABER ZAT IST EIN BALL MORE ZAN DRUMPF! HE ISS EIN SACKLESS VEAKLINK!!!”
Sweating, and breathing heavily, he sat back down. Then, after a few seconds;
“Ja…und by doink alles zis Ich vill restore Die Republikanischer Party to its rightful place in der welt! Zese are sings zat most of zese Republikanischer veasels vant. ABER ZEY DO NOT GO FAR ENOUGH BECAUSE ZAY ALLES ARE VEAKLINKS!” Again, he paused to wipe the sweat dripping from his brow and compose himself. Then; “Fur example: Ich vill get rid of all zese useless immikrant schweine — ziz ist die only sing Herr Drumpf hass correct gotten. Aber vy a shtupid vall? As alles die Republikanischers know Die Pentagon needs ziss tax money. Die vall ist unnecessary! Ich vill zimply exterminate zese immikrant schweine like Ich did mitt die Juden. Und zen Ich vill invadte Mexico und destroy zem alles! Vy not? ICH AM DIE REAL ARYAN REPUBLIKANISCHER RACIST! ICH! NOT ZESE AMATEUR REPUBLIKANISCHER RACISTS!
You know, die frau auf Drumpf Melanoma must be tougher zen any of zem, to haff to vatch zis obese schwein Drumpf svallow down ein huge zo vell-done shteak takes huge big balls und ein iron vill. She hass two more balls zen him. Und, about zese chiltren of hiss; zey proovf zat die scheisse dussn’t fall far from die asshole. Take zis schveet little teensy tiny itsy-bitsy Ivanka, mit die zignature duck-lip Drumpf gesicht…vat can I zay? Vell, Ich can zay…she ist ein first-rate bullshitter. Mit zat teensy weensy bullshitter woice. Vitch she sinks vill make you sink she ist intelligent. Die idioten in der base sink zo anyvay. Hmm…” (here Adolf paused in thought…then;)…”Maybe she ist after meine own herz eine guter Nazi schveetie, ja? Maybe she couldt be eefen meine tochter. Couldt be, ja? Und alzo her husband, zis Jared, eine ghoul hoose emotionen runz der gamut from A to B, und who vould haff madte ein wunderbar oven cook at Buchenwald. Wiz meine Shtephen. As for ze rest of zis family die zwei sons proof die inferiority of die impure Drumpf blood. Zis oily Donaldt Jr. looks like you can fry an eck on his face, und zis Erich, who looks as if he hass been drained by ein wampire und zo is merely difficult to look at.
He paused, lost in thought. Then, suddenly; “Tell me; vy should ve settle fur imposhter Nazis like zis “Der Donaldt?” Mit on his kopf he hass ein pigeon’s nest. Or zis ghost in mime make-up, zis Pence, who alvays looks like zer ist ein qvestion puzzlink him? Or any uzzer Republikanischer putz like zis drag qveen Graham, ven you can have der real Fascist lunatic? Ja? If Ich am lyink ich am dyink!
I vill run as a proud Right-wing Republikanischer Fascist. Und knowink die itsy bitsy microskopischer kleine IQ of die Amerikanischer electorate — und zere hate-filled resentment fur die blackie who vuss vunce in der Haus vitch ist called Vite FOR EIN REASON — und knowink die electorate’s short attention schpan, und zere total, abysmal ignorance of history und…”
He leapt to his feet again, right arm thrust outward, and SCREAMED;
“I AM DIE REAL REPUBLIKANISCHER!!! UND I VILL RUN! UND I. VILL. VIN!!! I. VILL. VIN!!! I. VILL. VIN!!!
He sat back down. Again, lost in thought. Then, after a few seconds, and as his aide de camp wiped him down, he mumbled under his heavy breathing;
“Heil myself.”
*Author’s note: re: Schwein — No Pigs were harmed in the writing of this piece, and by no means is this meant in any way to demean that noble friend to man the wonderful Pig…and all dear little Piglets everywhere. Furthermore, there isn’t a single member of the noble porcine family anywhere on the face of the earth even romotely as dumb as Donald Trump and his children. And porcine waste matter is aromatic compared to the stench of the Trump family shit. And re: weasels — any members of the noble weasel family is waaaay more up front than any nine out of ten Republicans.
© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2011, revised 2015, revised 2020. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.