THE ULTRA CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN *STARS* OF CPAC MEET IN OXON HILL, MD. Or: Mommy, I’m A-Scared of the Clowns
The other evening last week laundries in and around our nation’s capital, as well as those of the very finest hotels, were kept buzzing deep into the early morning hours in a feverish attempt to get all the necessary sheets laundered, starched, and ironed, in order that the many delegates to the ultra-conservative Republican CPAC conference could appear presentable. “One always desires to wear a freshly laundered white sheet, and in that vein, I should personally like to commend Ah Fong’s over on K Street for their excellent ironing abilities. Those chinks can really press a sheet,” gushed one attendee.
The early morning seminars were well attended, especially the ones on “Should women really be allowed to vote?” “The fundamentals and mastery of the goose-step,” the Laura Ingraham — led discussion on “The link between Karl Marx, Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders — and contraceptives,” and another very popular seminar “How to hide a gay husband,” which drew an overflow crowd of rapt Republican women. All the talk around the “whites only” water cooler centered on Senator Marsha Blackburn’s new tiara; said one impeccably starched Republican doyen, “she is the very epitome of conservative Republican womanhood.” Added another, “I thought my tiara was grand, but who could outshine Marsha? And it isn’t easy, mind you, to fit a tiara over a somewhat pointy hood — and to carry it off in such grand style. Also, taken in tandem, the hood and the tiara do tend to flatten one’s carefully coiffed head, but in these dire times one must be willing to make grave sacrifices.”
Meanwhile, at the “blacks only” water cooler the two black attendees discussed who appeared whiter. The annual “Who’s more conservative?” contest was won by multi-millionaire J.C. “Buddy” Smeck who entered the event — to great applause — borne on a sedan chair, carried by four genuine Nubians. “I checked their provenance myself” he said. At the sight of the Nubians, many of the women oohed and ahhed — while fanning themselves frantically as they whispered feverishly among themselves — the words “Mandingo” “probably huge” and “well-hung” were heard — and quite a few of the women were seen to swoon dead away. In a special highlight, which then had Lindsay Graham also swooning dead away, Sean Hannity, in a 50’s vintage house dress and casual pink pom-pom mules, won the Rosie O’Donnell look-alike contest.
Among the many issues raised in the afternoon, the highlights were, “Why isn’t cross burning more acceptable?” “Should gays be allowed in public?” “Has slavery been given a bad rap?” “The guillotine — pro or con?” and “Why the mere thought of an erection should be considered the first sign of life.” Rush Limbaugh was a big hit with his speech “Coronavirus: The Great Democrat Hoax.” He then led a spirited panel which discussed the cause of the Coronavirus being “Barack Hussein Obama and Mexican beer.” He moved on to the need for more strict marijuana laws in conjunction with privatizing prisons and closed with an impassioned plea for the legalization of Oxycontin.
Ann Coulter then revealed -to great applause (and to the last seventeen people who didn’t know) — that she was a drag queen, and proceeded to do her dead-on impersonations of Marcus Bachmann, Lindsay Graham, and Mitch McConnell. Dr. Sebastian Gorka, who had the bad luck to follow Coulter’s amazing tour-de-force, made a good impression anyway with his sober talk on the continuing need for the existence of poor and uneducated people, and immigrants, because, as he so wisely noted, “Who else will fight and die in our wars, as well as pick our crops for next to nothing?” He also elaborated on the matter of school availability so dear to the heart of every ultra-conservative Republican when he said “We must re-dedicate ourselves to the effort to make sure that we only educate the right people.” This last delivered with a sly Mick Mulvaney-ish wink. The audience, led by Betsy DeVos, gave that remark a standing ovation accompanied by many “Hear, hears” — and assorted “Harrumphs.”
Marsha Blackburn, the diamonds of her resplendent tiara fairly blinding the rapt audience, then took the podium to deliver her talk; “Whoever the Democrat nominee is, they are the anti-Christ” which prompted many in the audience to nod their heads and turn to say to each other; “I always suspected that.”
And then it was left for Ken Cuccinelli to deliver the fiery “Our special threeway — How Jesus shares our bed, and with oral,” which had the entire crowd again breathing hard and waving their lit diamond and ruby encrusted Cartier lighters. After the speeches, a bejeweled platinum blonde patrician, having removed her hood in order to better sip her fourth martini, sniffed that she was a proud homemaker, devoted wife, and mother of eight, who couldn’t “understand how these socialist spics like that unattractive A.O.C. person get away with so much backtalk and sass — do they not know their place?” She asked, and then; “they seem to have very little respect for our Christian family values?” Turning to her husband, she waited for his nod of approval — and then smiled. A bit later she was seen giving a double blow-job to two prominent billionaires in the men’s room as the men tongue kissed each other.
Promptly at seven pm, following the always hilarious mock slave auction, the huge masked and robed crowd, co-led by Pastor John Hagee and Ralph Reed, chanted “Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, catch a nigger by the toe” and then stood as one and lustily sang “Dixie”, before breaking for more pre-dinner cocktails, followed by a twenty-four course banquet served by a temporary minimum wage staff of 200 from the homeless shelter across town, visual proof, as one portly conventioneer commented, “That we are charitable, we are Christians, and we are the job creators.”
And then — finally — accompanied by wild cheers, shouts of “four more years” and a standing “Sieg Heil,” bellowed repeatedly in glorious roof-raising unison — on to close the show, came Die Große Orange as, with arms raised upward and outward in glorious salute, the crowd went berserk.
© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2012, revised 2019 and 2020. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content